hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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