Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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