You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
