She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
two words...techno handjob
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
