the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
