when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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