I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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