There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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