I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
