Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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