God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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