the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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