i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
