Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
