I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
