I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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