Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Come on in and take your pants off
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