I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
