Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
