carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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