The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
