Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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