she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
