I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
