My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
