Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The adults are the big ones right?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
