I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
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You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
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do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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