Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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