That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
