dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
