What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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