I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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