I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish you could order shots online.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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