I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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