Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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