you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
