I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
