She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
