you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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