Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
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If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
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Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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