yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
