this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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