Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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