Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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