Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
