my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
