my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
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I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
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Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize