I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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