I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
