I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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