i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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