Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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