we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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