I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
