i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize